immense fear.

it flowed all over my body suddenly.

what is under those superficiality? those pretense? or is it not? or could it be genuine misunderstanding? i don't know them enough to know, don't know them enough to trust. n i don't dare to trust suddenly. i'm scared. maybe hong hong is right, i should be more limited in the things i share, i should protect myself. cuz no one is gonna protect me. suddenly, i dare not trust easily again.

i miss the girls n twin. i miss the comfort w ur. i miss the take it for granted truthfulness, care and love. n i miss how your always make me feel like genuine love is possible.

everything is a facade, everyone is wearing many layers of mask, and beneath the mask may not be a genuine friendly smile.

in the stereotyped kindness, one may not see true altruism.

one of those days where i hope to just hug my dogs n be embraced in their genuineness. at least, we know they are true n honest in their action. at least, we can sense their intention.

n i must be thankful, even amidst these facade i found my genuine confidantes. where both of them are part of my rainbow in the dark clouds. Thank you.

for the environment, may not be as friendly as what i hope it would be.

n with my many other forms of support, i will pull through this. =)

finally, draft 1.

yes i completed draft one! hooray! after many many downs and downs, i've completed. =) i hope from now on, there is no eat sleep drink shit ism. at least for the next few weeks.

school has been so treacherous. its not that i don't enjoy my work, i do. n yes when work is ur life, it is balanced. but work is only one aspect of my life, i need to balance with many other aspects of life as well. sigh, i can't believe i cancelled on the girls, i can't believed i missed the documentaries which i wanted to attend. but yes, like how i preach to my little boy, in circumstances when ur priority requires, we must reschedule other things for later. n with that, i shall not regret but quickly finish what is left, so i can like finally meet the girls sooon with minimal distractions.

jia you nette, feel ur additional $!
jia you linda, though some things we can't choose, we know they will make us stronger.
we will survive! =)

yellow ribbon-ing
completed yellow ribbon 10km run too! at my personal record of like 1hr 16mins. not like totally WHAAA kinda timing.. but i'm like damn glad i completed it. haha after 3 times of practice, where i stopped after 4km, stopped after 6km and stopped after 8km.. i finally completed 10km on the 4th actual time. haha

its really encouraging, when u run and think ur out of breath, n see the cheerleaders cheering away. when u see a couple, each hugging their infants in front of them n sitting at the back of their car boot, clapping away. when many uncles with ample of white hair slowly jogs the 10km. when u see a mother, encouraging her son to persevere to the finishing line.

n i wondered, do the inmates even know of all these support? they can't see it. they only know some idiots are running around the place which their confined in, and may not even understand how the runs helps them.

but its kinda symbolic, when u are exhausted in ur jog of life, someone's encouragement, someone even though a total stranger running next to u.. anyone.. can give u hope to carry on. n throughout the run.. i thought of what i was studying. thought of what it wld be like if i really entered to be a prison officer.

working with sex workers
went for a sharing session on how people are trying to advocate for the sex worker. people wince upon the mere thought of it. n think about how great the volunteers are trying to bring the workers out of the job, of "saving" the workers.

but really, they are just trying to listen to the workers. we should listen to them and treat them like a person. we based our judgments on them due to ONE aspect of their self. and upon knowing this one aspect, we judge them, we discriminate them. when this job can really be their pride. They need to be safe from their customers, they should be treated as a person. are we listening to their voices? are we using equal grounds even when we are listening to them? and we think we're the best of beings holding the best position in society. what gives us the right to wear our many coloured lenses and look at them in degrading manners?

I realise, sometimes we should be empowering the workers in their job. as everyone wants to excel in what they are doing. we should be upgrading their skills, provide them knowledge so that they can be more informed. n really, to stay in or step out of this profession, is their choice.

"cuz we are all 'prostituting' ourselves for money." from one of our wise lecturer. we are all using our skill set to earn money, like them. just that their skill set is different from ours.

if the children asks "mommy, what do you work as?" what should they answer?

they all deserve to be happy too.

03:46am

reads the clock on my prince.

for the past 3 hours plus.. i tossed and i flipped n i switched on my mp3 n i got myself a cup of chocolate milk.. all in hope of getting some winks. bahhhz. as u can see.. it didnt work.

Suspect 1: snaffee
she is snoring and hence i can't slp.
Rejected: have been sleeping through her snores previously.

Suspect 2: i took a 2 hour nap
i dozed off on the cold hard floor in the afternoon in hope that i will not slp for too long, but i still slept for 2 hours on my cold hard floor.
Rejected: my eyes are sleepy n i feel tired.

Suspect 3: the overly potent soup
soup which is suppose to supplement ur health n give u loadsa energy. but apparently too much in this sense
Rejected? i've been drinking soup my entire life. haha cld this be THAT potent?

Suspect 4: the tea with milk at 5pm.
mom made me that. i think she always make me that when she feels that i look tired.
High Possibility: Everytime she made me that during the evening, i have problem sleeping. everytime i drink tea after 3pm, the chances of me unable to fall asleep is damn high.

bahhhz. i have to wake up at 730am for work later. ARGHH. this is disgusting. i want to slp but i can't. my dogs look at me in curiousity.

ARGHHHHHHH

I HAVE NO MOOOOD TO DO MY WORK!

though i know for the ten thousandth time i should. bahhhhz.

irb deadline is NEARING.

i shld stop facebooking. i shld stop looking at people's photos. i should stop dreading the monster! maybe i shld bannn myself from internet agaaaainnn.

why are there so many things clouding my mind.
so many many suggestions put into the head,
its all hazy. to and fro.
i don't want to fall.
some things becomes a sinful joy.

its temptation,
its my goals,
its my future,
its playing with the mind.
its everything put into one.

so yes. selina... focus, FOCUS!