Its gonna be a loooong post abt me.
I've been wanting to type a post, but its been difficult. I realise blog becomes a place where its good to update abt each other. However, it also becomes a place where words might affect another. Thus, it affects the writer as they pen down their feelings. Requiring it to be tactful and sensitive. and finally, i decide to pick a time when i'm most exhausted and honest. Hence, pardon my messiness too. It flows like how my brain works when i'm exhausted... messy.
I thought placement was going to be my most challenging aspect this holiday, but i was wrong. Maintaining my friendship became the biggest challenge. I thought my placement was going to add stress to me, and i was wrong again. The lack of support and understanding from pple who matters to me, felt much heavier. I am not as strong as i seem to be.
I can't live up to all your expectations. I feel suffocated.
Rah made me realise the importance to share what i'm going through. To be frank, i'm not someone who volunteers such information unless asked. So now i will volunteer. Placement have been tedious, i want to maximise my learning experience so i asked my supervisor to put me in all events and programmes that will allow me maximum exposure and gain additional knowledge. Placement made me realise how ignorant i have been of everything. I know too little to share. I know not my style. I am unaware of my skills, I am weak in using so many of these important skills. I want to learn. However, placement have been tiring not just because of the work involved.
The ironing i have to complete every weekends can take up to 3 hours or more. The tuition i have to fit in, takes up 2 to 3 of my nights per week. or maybe 1 night and 1 sunday morning. the number of 21st bday on weekends deprives me of some needed rest. The things i have to cope with at home requires my attention (if you are unaware, i do have very big complicated family in both maternal and paternal sides). The bills are piling and i have to arrange to pay them. My parents are disagreeing and i am always made the conflict manager. My friends whom i havent met in months or even years, i want to meet up with them. Some of my friends are facing issues, which i need and want to listen to. With all these added on to me, i'm usually exhausted by the time its night. sometimes, i'm exhausted by evening. Sometimes i persist, but exhaustion has sucked me dry by about 10pm recently. 10pm, and i'm stoning with a blank mind. No knowledge of what i am doing at times.
I decided to go online at night, because i wanted to catch up with friends. But it backfired. Instead of being able to chat with friends, I end up waiting for them because they come in much later at night as its the holidays! So when they finally stream in, I did not realise that my mind is degenerating and is about to hang. Hence my one word replies that seems like I don't care. Seriously, most of the time, i'm just staring at the screen like a goldfish, sleeping with my eyes open. fingers typing whatever little words my brain managed. which is extremely little and 1 word kind. Hence, i seem disinterested. I'm sorry, i didnt mean for it to be that way. I wanted to chat with ur and catch up, but physical exhastion and mental exhaustion limits my capacity to do some things. In chi, li4 bu4 chong2 xin1. I even tried watching videos to keep my brain afresh, but it occured to me at some point in time, that my eyes was watching the movie but my brain was sleeping. once again, like a goldfish. I'm sorry, i can't do it. I choose to appear offline now.
I love social work. I told rah that it seems like its gonna be my bf. Den i thought abt it, and realise how wrong i was. Its not gonna become my bf, its ME. Social work trained = ME. We learn knowledge and apply when applicable. But when you learn skills, it just becomes part of you. At least i'm not intelligent enough to keep it separate from me. So I've changed. I've been shaped by social work skills which i've learnt. Maybe that made some of you feel that i treat your like clients, which i apologize for. But i'll appreciate it if you are able to share how different i have changed from before, cause all i know is that i've changed but i know not how and in what sense. However, I never want to treat your like clients. I was thinkin about what is the differences between friends and client's conversation. The only blatent difference to me is that I talk to my client with objectives in mind. I talk to my friends with none. Maybe i only want to have fun and enjoy, if you consider that an objective. I'll try to be more conscious about how i use my skills. I will.
and i struggled, will i then be creating a facade of the past me. because after hearing from some of your, i've indeed changed. shaped by new knowlegde, shaped by more experiences, shaped by many many things. I'm sorry i did not prepare your enough. I don't know how i can do it better. Maybe cause we haven converse as frequently as before.
Please don't tell me to give myself more off times from work. To be frank, in my position i can't afford to. My family is just financially managing with me working. We need to maintain our balance and it is important that i work and teach. I have to cope. Its not a choice. Maybe it is, but the consequences of having more free time, is too much for me and my family to bear. I have to support myself and my luxurious expenses at the very least.
As for my placement, I want to experience it to the fullest. Hence, i need your support and understanding. I can only promise my weekends. and it will help too, if your be frank when i do check up with your on your day. if your are not in the mood to chat, pls be frank and dun tell me otherwise. Because i am not that considerate and nice person your think i am. i am human, and that "considerate-ness" and "nice-ness" drops when i'm facing exhaustion. Yeah, so i've concluded i better hide in my little shell when i'm exhausted or i'll piss pple of. Do meet me up live, at least at that point in time i can tell from other signs like facial and actions, other than plain black and white which we only interact with online.
So what i'm trying to say is, i'm not a good person to chat with online. I prefer face-to-face session. However, it is not possible considering my schedule and highly possible clashes with yours. So i still have to resort to online most of the time. I try to portray my life self via online, but i usually just can't. I still prefer life.
My wisdom tooth is giving me trouble. I can't pluck out now because i'm on placement and i need to talk. when its painful, its awfully life draining. thankfully, its not persistently painful throughout. only when its pushing through my gums, it hurts. So for now.. i just hope it stays in there for awhile and give me a break. or it will add headaches, pain and whatnots on top of my exhaustion. Disgusting. So for now.. i'm fine.
Well. its not like i have no support at all now. I do, so your don't have to worry. My supervisor is great, she gave me support which i never thought i needed this badly. She gave me constructive comments and advises, that lightens up my path. She became a friend, who understands and listens to me. and i believe, she made placement enjoyable despite the high learning capacity.
I have snaff, though really i don't talk to her verbally, she gives me the hug i need everyday. My mom and dad silently supports me with their actions of services and concern. Meeting up with friends become a form of support too. i love meeting up with friends! =)
I just hope to gain more understanding from all. I'm sorry if that is demanding, but this is how i truly feel. Placement will end on 21st, i'm sure i will miss that place. However, i need to spend another week or 2 workign on my report and portfolio. I think i'll be back, but it might be a long time before i return. i want to improve my skills first. and I want to be a social worker. I may change further. i'm sorry, i can't totally be the person whom your used to know. I hope i haven lost all the good things ur enjoyed. Or at least still have a bit of the me ur know previously. However, when i'm having my stoned and quiet face, its not that i've changed to a quiet person and all. i'm just worn out by exhaustion at times. I probably need some sleep to recuperate into my hyperactivity.
Really, this is not a post for you to feel anything negative abt. pls be happy for me, i found something which i want to do and excel in. Or be neutral, because i'm just sharing facts and my personal opinions about me. and its not some attacking post on some pple. really. or just regard this in distaste, than i can't help it. Everyone have their perspectives. I just hope this will help those who are interested in my life to understand my position better.
& i'm having 2 camps soon before sch starts. 1 is 2day 1 night, the other is 2 day camp. both social work.
Who said that sharing your deepest emotions will bring relief, somehow.. it seems to be more tiring and maybe bothering me as i sleep later.
Nitez.
