official.

last day: 30th sept'2007

ok i know i'm a part timer n only require 2 week notices to quit. but..... yeah when pple ask nicely if i can help them for a little while more.... i find it rather difficult to reject. oh well.. i shld be able to cope with 2 jobs n studies.. somewhat somehow. =) haha no worries yeahz.. i'll be able to sort it out.

yeah i know most of ur are so gonna remind me that impt lesson where helping others may not benefit self.. but with my personality i cannot just reject in such circumstance ba. oh well... i still like to believe that helping others will bring good stuff somewhat somehow.

socialization has eaten up so many many parts of us unconsciously. there were so many times where our thoughts were influenced and we thought it was us. sometimes even issues reflecting safety is actually part of socialization process. so many things that we are unaware of, yet it stands so firmly as part of our values.

sometimes we can't help but be influenced in that way but i guess its good to be aware that there are so many times where our thoughts were directed towards one similar directions. where others were neglected the chance to perform. it can be such a sad thing.

i dun feel like being explicit in this sociological thought (or maybe its not that sociological) now. so guesss away if u have to. haha

yawnz.

I quit levi's.

its not official yet... semi. i told jeanie (my boutique manager) in a sms abt my decision already. will be signing the official letter on this coming saturday n 2 week later will be my last day! maybe earlier. haha i've got a new job at clarke quay! yay!! thanks mokey! I think I'll prob set my last day at levi's as 8th or 9th sept. or maybe earlier.

well, i haven't been pleased with the new executive means of handling the shop. I guess his intention was for sales but i really can't stand the added pressure, constant stress, countless warnings, neverending paper work, unreachable target, uneasiness amg colleagues blah blah blah. basically.. I DON'T ENJOY MY WORK ANYMORE. yeah.

i will miss my customers who makes my day, chat with me, shower me with praises (esp those who said my spoken chinese and eng was v clear! and mind u they were from China and European countries!) respect my suggestions and look super happy n fabulous after getting ur jeans. I will miss my colleagues who were always by my side at work (duh.) listening to my nonsense, complaints, sudden exclamations and what nots. i will really miss the times working with them! all the jokes, the laughters, the joy shared. will miss every1 in other shops. those who crossed paths while i'm stuck in the flagship (more like flatshit) store. i guess somewhat i'll really miss the environment. miss the shop. miss heeren and the people there. haha miss my boutique manager n miss joanne.

Lang . Tian Ya [ 浪 . 天涯] - So just cast the world aside. And be yourself tonight says:
i bet you are feeling like really relieved and fresher yet at the same time hit with nostalgia

stop being like my twin n reading my feelings! hahaha ur getting v twin like! gosh. its scary.

welcome new job! haha hope i have fun there. hope i enjoy it there! =) but i think i might just gain weight lar... i better sort out something to keep myself fit. hahaha not that i'm v fit now.

i cut hair! hahahaha many exclamations n stuff. some pple dun even recog its me when they walked past me! haha so far majority of the comments were good. however i still feel insecure. cuz most says i look positively feminine but i'm a sporty person n am used to sporty look. feminine... throws me off a little. hahaha so weird right. by right i shld be flattered but... haha i felt insecure. oh well. it'll grow n i'll get used to it. hahaha

was discussing with kynneth 'whats the difference between lust and love?' well.. den i continued to put this online as my nick... n to my surprise... many pple feedback me on their opinions n it sure was interesting. some thought of control as the main focus in defining both, some view it from their religious point, another just viewed it in simplicity. so many many views n all so enlightening. haha

well.. i guess a lot of us are going through not-so-easy times. i may look a little exhausted half the time.. yeah been quite caught up with stuff. feels like their bundled up n thrown at me suddenly. but now everything is improving (i hope) and i'm coping better. haha still feeling exhausted but yeah.. i need a little bit more time. readings are piling! gosh. school never hit me THIS fast before. mug mug mug!!! focus focus!

twin.. i miss u. jia you k! i think ur quite caught up in a mess too. we'll pull through.. we always do! =) haha

thats the update of my life for now. hahaha

hope i didnt make the wrong choice! =)

my gosh! haha there's 2 singaporean in my list. thats how singaporean i look! rofl. as for the rest.. it was a good laugh. n there's no SELINA from SHE. see! hahahaha i shld try one with my new hairdo if i do ever get a photo of myself in it.

thanks every1 for concern.. i was bothered abt some stuff but i think now its all much better(i hope). school's starting n i've so got no mood for it. suddenly thrown back into lecture n tutorials, bidding and balloting. i think i feel lost.

i wanna go singing again with the girls. n pardon me if i sing my fav song again. i just love that song. haha n rah.. sing with me! =) its one of the few rare songs we know.. more of few rare songs YOU know. rofl.

its true that many of us are facing different spheres in life that may trigger many emotional upheaval.. good and bad n what not. lets hope we all get over it soon k! n happy endings derived from them all.

yeah overall i'm still just a little girl who loves happy ending. i've been brainwashed by disney since young. haha with all the cinderella's, beauty and the beast, mulan, pinocchio n many many more. my childhood. yet we must be aware that in reality, we cannot always expect the fairyland endings.

even if the prince were to appear, i wld have somewhat turn him away. thats how i am. haha

work is getting v exhausting. i'm kinda thinking v hard if i shld really change job n once again risk my stability. arghz. so many decisions to make. thankfully snaff is always with me. thankfully all my frenz are always supporting n assuring me. THANKS every1! twin too! =) thanks.

ahh lectures n tutorials n readings n libraries. ahhhhhhh. so many many things.

i need more slp i think.

emotional ride.

i tried to reflect n reflect, but i still felt confused.

these were emotions that i can't link a word to. i have no idea what they mean n why do i feel that way. maybe my vocabulary is not wide enough, maybe i do not read relevant books enough to find out. but that made me feel quite handicapped not knowing the meanings behind these emotions.

so i keep giving myself time to think, but i still can't figure out. yet i am relieved that it is eased. eased, but not diminished. that means its not purely from the lost. so what is it? i don't know.

however, there were many many things learnt. i really appreciate my friends who are so ever understanding regarding my over loaded schedule. who finds time for me more than me allocating time for them. it made me realise how much they are neglected n no matter how much i do miss them i still find it difficult sometimes to initiate telling them so. i seem to be too reserved with emotions, but i really am still working on that. there are so many things for me to improve on.

cuz i am selfish. this is an answer derived after my constant reflections. it keep popping back to me about my own selfishness. Its more of 'how i think they feel' more than truly comprehending people's feelings. on top of that, i am so task focused, aiming for my goal to become a social worker, i've neglected so many of my friends. its always school and work, school and work. n it links. i work to pay off for school. to spend money on all those things required in school. n of cuz my movies n my fun n my dog. yeah but u see...n its all about ME. thats how selfish i am.

i take very long to reply sms, n constantly forget those important days n were seldom really ever by my friends side cause of my many many commitments n interest. cuz most of them were so understanding n avoid turning to me for help, fearing that it'll increase my concerns. despite trying to cut down on some commitments, i still fill up the empty spaces with others somehow. thats how selfish i am. i need to initiate more. right?

i keep telling myself that its all necessity for survival, to work n live n educate myself in our society. not totally wrong but i cld still find ways that can balance all and my frenz as well. i just haven tried hard enough. i'm sorry my dear friends. i really do appreciate all of u despite how little/rarely i show it. i need to work upon it.

n many asked me before, why don't i get myself a bf. seriously, i don't think i make a good gf especially with all my commitments n such. i don't think i am worthy of any person cause i can't spend so much time with them n for them. i don't think i'm a pretty gf that some1 can be proud of. i won't be able to really show that i love by being jealous, i have really low jealousy rates. i find it difficult to show my affection. i'm selfish. i'm preventing and protecting myself from getting hurt through escaping. i can't really see myself married with a family. i'm afraid to lose a friend through a relationship. i can't see myself sharing myself with another (kissing n sorts). i don't want to lose myself in the emotional rollercoaster ride. see these are all selfish reasons.

see, these are all my excuses but things that keep me down. i sincerely look upon friends i meet as friends. n not potential bf to be. seriously. i guess for me, it takes one to really know each other inside out before we can consider something further. thats how we can prevent hurting each other by reckless decisions. thats how i feel. see... thats my selfish thoughts again. i never asked others how do they feel... right?

i truly appreciate that u understand, and is so mature despite that worse emotional rollercoaster u got. i was shocked, when u told me those stuff. those that affected u n totally trashed ur ego. i'm sorry. i really didnt mean to. n i was really hurt typing those words that u left not responded to. everyword pierced. to recall that line from that particular lyrics and say it to u, sinks the heart. n it kept me in thought for a very very long time. i'm glad that ur not a lost friend, but somehow i can never be sure. u indeed left me very lost n confused. i have no idea if i'm doing the right thing but i'm following what my feelings are telling me to. however, there was some stuff that i will still tell u even if it happens all over again. sorry. these are some things that i stand by. yet i can't deny that somehow u've become an important friend whom i am sincerely concerned with.

i hope everything will get better. everything.

social work is really still very important to me. thanks for understanding my need to concentrate and my other commitments. thanks. i enjoyed those conversations. =)

sorry and thanks.

i am still confused.

yay!

i woke up like damn early. i almost thought that it was because the excitement i can't sleep. den i realise its just the noise... n i listened.... it was all national day songs!!! coming from the sch near my home! grrrr.....

yeah so i was excited! haha cuz rah ask me out! haha n we're gonna watch the secret! by jay zhou! yayness. i thought i'll end up missing the show. haha i feel excitement like the kind where a big sister suddenly suggest to bring u out when u thought that u were gonna rot at home n self entertain.

suddenly so many shows i wanna watch. simpsons! rush hr 3! 881!

bidding has been getting on my nerves. i finally found something with format that i think i'll enjoy.. but the bid points? plain disgusting. imagine minimum bid as 901 as of this morn. n i only have 1100 in my account to spare. grr.

the school is still so noisy. i can feel the increasing hatred for the songs. n its not because of the songs.

i hope that in the future i can strike off 'potential' from that term. =)

shld go make myself some breakfast.
grrr national days songs screaming in the air.

secret!!!

enjoyment.

i've lost it. n maybe thats why now I really want to leave. i made it known. everything becomes a dread, and thats what i hate. i'm glad i chose that route towards that future. cause this incident just affirms my decision. at least for now... for i don't know the future and what is in store.

but one by one, the smiles the laughters and the keeness to resolve dissolves those unpleasant stuff. n now i'm stuck in the middle. i gave myself a week, and now maybe i shld give myself another week or 2 before i decide. for one is tightening the rope, bringing out the rebellious side of me and the other, is consoling me in their little ways.

why are there so many dilemmas?

but one thing is for sure, i cannot stand the one that calls for command for his means is inadequate to me. yucks. i think he needs interpersonal communication skills! maybe i shld sell him the interpersonal communication book. or take some course please. gosh. stop turning this into a war zone! gross.

i hate bloodshed. literally n figuratively.

maybe i shld teach primary school students. at most its only me puking blood. oh well.

i shld get used to the fact that i look underage.

sometimes i wish my genie will save me. *snaps* reality beckons. i can only solve it n think it through myself. JIA YOU!

oh n suddenly, it dawned on me that so many many pple's bday. shoot me. i think i'm getting exhausted from thoughts. i just lost the heart to do a lot of things. why selina why?!

only oneself to blame.

the world

Fairies fly,
fairy god mother trusted,
wishes are granted,
all in favor of the protagonist.

queens become evil,
witches painted black,
ugly antagonist present,
to highlight the good.

princes charms,
princess beautifies,
and only 1 ending to expect -
Happily ever after.

maybe its not all that simple.
there is no clear line,
of charms, beauty, angel vs. evil,
it may all exist in one.

curses fly,
villain roams,
for once upon a time,
we played such roles.

ugly heroes,
gorgeous devil,
thats how we fall
to the evil of disguise.

we the protagonist
who hopes, believe and wish,
that we are everything 'good'
craving for perfections.

perceptions,
the revealed and hidden,
forms an impression
and we believed.

'happily ever after'
is therefore replaced
'competence', 'success', 'recognition',
we live for them.

therefore a new tale is formed.
______________________

independence and strength,
direct and focused.
maybe to be saved,
is true desire.
my lalaland,
where noone can intrude,
dreams&reality
collide.