questions i can write essays for.

there are things where we seek answers to at various points in our lives. it shows our uncertainty, our sudden solitude and the unwaivering truth in our inner self. in short, the significance of our lives.

Have you ever behave/make decisions which is very unlikely of yourself?
loads of times! i'm human. many like to put themselves in a situation n ask themselves what will they choose? these are things i do not indulge in. thats cause i know what i say and what i do may be completely different matters. not that i avoid my true identity, but that what i feel logically that is supposed to initiate may be warped by the strong conciousness of my heart- or some call instincts.

i have to confess, love was 1 thing that made me mad. love... a simple word that hides all complexity within it. have you ever lost some1 so close you that u yourself became mentally confused? you go beyond the known capabilities of your body in search for the love. i thought i wld have cried till my eyes poped get over it in awhile. However my eyes teared little but the heart sobbed so hard breathing was difficult. than again, this only allowed me to know myself better. i strong appearance but weak within. However, i'm lucky. her loss was not permanent or zombie wld prob be just the right term for me.

Since young, the ambition of being doctors, architects and career woman - everything that made me well to do. yet somewhere down the road, suddenly it dawned on me 1 fine day that i desired to be a mere social worker who earns enough to pay off for herself and her love. so i decided to make a sudden turn and veered myself towards the route of a social worker. being 'myself' i wld have taken up business or information technology that will ensure i have a bright future if i work hard enough n provided the right opportunity. den i realise, the inner me only desired to be a social worker, and the career woman instincts was the impression society and surroundings carved unto me to end up 'successful' like everyother 'impressive' person.

so dont you feel that sometimes doing something extraordinary frm the usual you is actually the revelence of your deeper inner self, or what some will define as the 'true' self? for only during such situations we react how our heart tells us to, and not through the 'logical' analysis of which is better for future by our hardworking brain?

Did you ever feel lost but manage to find your way back?
we all feel the sense of loss from time to time. especially when those whom we depend on actually departs n leave us stranded. No matter how they prepared us for it, we'll still feel loss, the sudden emptiness. however, i learnt that time do heal the empty hearts, only if u allow it to and work to climb out of it yourself too. those who choose to stand still on the same spot will never find the path to their future caused they never tried to look.

to me, i will not find the way 'back' cuz in life, one shld not dwell too much on the past for it keeps u stagnant. seek the future where many new and interesting awaits you- good or bad, embrace it.

just not too long ago i felt great loss due to abundance of choices and decisions to make. and every decision i make will affect my future, directly and indirectly. its tough but a little bit of jogging, a little more time did solve the prob. practicality, passion and present was my struggle. took a step at a time n somehow.... a decision was perpetuated as i progressed. so fear loss not and not let it keep u stagnant. keep moving....

Are you truly happy?
seriously.. whats 'True' happiness? the truth in ur happiness depends on 1 person- you yourself. for a pretense keeps 1 bothered. only when you can truly laugh out loud as and when your heart desires, at that point of time, your really happy.

no1 is really happy abt everything in their life. if you feel that your happy about EVERYTHING, come on.. admit it. don't fake. but it takes a person who appreciates everything to feel utmost happiness dont you think so? yet how many of us can sincerely say we appreciate and love everything? its un-achievable if your human. at least it is so to me.

i feel that most importantly, i am true to my own feelings and express my inner emotions whenever i can, i am truly blessed. cuz i know the pple whom i express them to are pple who knows me for who i am n not a superficial side of me. i'm trying to widen that circle and express my inner thoughts, though i know sometimes must be tactfully done. when i laugh out loud literally, at that point of time i really feel joyous. thats when i can say i'm truly happy.

i dont think i have the best life but to know that i can laugh truthfully most of the time, i am appreciative of my life and pple ard me cuz most of the time i am truly happy. as long as i know darkness is minute compared to the joy i receive, i'm blessed to be a happy soul. =) Thanks for all those who makes me smile.

love is what makes you smile when your tired.

at least i know there's 1 where love surrounds between us. before every1 thinks nonsensical again, its snaffee. 6 mths of work, or exhaust. i am super glad that i slacked my entire day away today. to see her smile at me cuz i'm finally at home accompaning the lonely her. it makes me smile. to come back from work feeling wasted but seeing her adorable smile cheers me. i love her. to lose her will make me irrational-not being myself. She, alone, makes me feel most wanted in the world. Not that i dun treasure or love my family, i love them too. just that sometimes human dun have the best way to express their love. i know they love me... but... its just different. i love all my frenz too... but its just different. the love established between every individual relationship amg humans.

my love for her is exception. =) call me mad. i told u love makes me irrational. haha the coward here admits.

thanks twin. for solving my incoherent mess which i myself cld not figure out in my previous entry. yeah i guess i treasure the friendship fostered more than the personality of the person that foster the friendship. friendship is highly regarded by me no matter who the person is. with a personality that clicks.. thats just a bonus. n i'm glad i've got many of these bonus-es. Thanks every1. thanks. sometimes i'm really tired of trying to maintain, but... oh well.. its just in me. i'm glad i got my rest today.

launching back into my workaholic absurdity.

take care my frens. n know that i'm always here... an sms or phonecall away.

a long entry.

sorted out, a little.

i've decided to try intermediate exams. Even though i can never foresee myself doing anything ballet related, but i neither can i see myself doing without it now. so pointe work n freework n that whole load of syllabus shit. here i am to bang n crash, fail or pass.. i really dunno.

as for levi's i'm staying on as long as i can. i need money, for dance. i need money for uni. i need money for laptop. i need money for all the shit.

ok since i've decided on ballet, diet- embrace me. haiz.

broken hearts are the toughest and takes the longest to cure. of cuz its for those who truly love. 1 experience is enough to turn a simple mind to a level of utmost maturity. the past seems childish. eventually everything will turn out fine despite the after effects. we're just growing up.

i know not what others see in me, but here is just 1 who desires friendship. take me flippant or seek only when necessary but here is just how my life is highlighted. a social worker instinct perhaps. lured, pushed, drawn nor forced. i am walking towards the appealing light. want, desire or instincts, whatever, just entice me in. it requires love for friendship to exists, the close proximity of each frenship depends on the depth of love. i fell too deep with too many. however, not warp the love and seek friendship as excuse. Yet pursue both concurrently and chaos erupts. for features i feel average, ugly to me and adorable to others. such contrasting ideas. acceptance of oneself exists but love one for oneself and not superficiality. here is just an incoherent mess.

many more decisions to settle on. many things to work for. just how strong can ones body be? test it to its limits.

you, me, he, she, him, her, ours, theirs.

we did 8k today. freaking tired.

i want to watch xmen.

jogging at grandmama's speed.

thats what u get when u take a dog who is double ur age in terms of doggy yrs to go jogging. but i love jogging with her. even though i'll end up carrying her for awhile before letting her continue our journey.

but at grandmama's speed, its calming. when allowed to go at my own pace, i'm like mad cow charging my anger. haha oooh n plus the habit of shitting when i wanna jog, influenced by our beloved bball team for some reason, is still there lar. full of shit manz. haha

so i've decided to continue dancing, till my term is up. till the time for me to make the decision whether to take the inter exams or not is due. i'll nod if i think i'm capable of handling it. as for now... i shall not want to dwell on it. call it escapism, but its way too stressful.

same for levi's. if i can find another job, i'll switch. if not.. i'll just stick. even though i have pple telling me how they only work weekends and earn thousands while i who work 5days per week earn a miserable 700 if i'm lucky per mth. overworked n underpaid, can i take it? i guess its kinda a test for me now. for if i were to pursue what i desire, i will live that life perpetually isnt it. i guess, if the place makes me stick, i really wont mind. oooh n i asked my supervisor what if i needa take off for holidaying on weekends, n u know what? he says he'll help me find pple to cover as much as he can! yay! that means its time to travel!!! =) now i just need license from parents. rofl. i'm not retarded for choosing that right? ok at least i know twin will say i'm not so i'm convinced enough. haha self 'entertainment'.

ok i worked with 2 heartbroken guys today. it aches for them a lot. n it reminded me of the past. how it ached for me. the missing part is bad. at least they got off day tmr. i'm glad for them.. i hope all turns fine soon. i know it will.. time heals such wounds. dun be mistaken, haha i'm not like yearning for guys or relationship. i'm just human who empathises. heh heh

so i was thinking, not uncommon of me. how pple like to reminise abt the past. i guess its ok once in a while but pls avoid reliving it. dont u think it'll almost be boring? n most of the time the 1st always is the best and a repeat of it is seldom good, unless impromptu. den again we cannot always depends on impromptus, cuz impromptu's doesnt occur like every time when u want it to. right? we shld move forward, seek new adventures and thrills.

however i have to admit it is difficult to move forward. we love to retain the happiness but i feel seeking the past happiness can be a torture. for everything is changing, including the other types of happiness that is waiting for us to explore. the uncountable stuff for us to experience and than share about. some feel that i get amused very easily, but i just feel that there are so many things around us that are so different and interesting. maybe its just me n my simple minded-ness.

futhermore i get entangled into stuff rather easily, take movies for example. i lose myself in movies. thus my cinematic-effects. rofl. ok i like watching movie with da bai. haha for some reason we'll end up laughing, though most of the time is she laughing at me. i like watching movie with twin and jason. i missed watching movie with my shifu. n ermz.. haha as for CHAR... i think its a interesting thing to sit next to her. rofl. n i think having rah in the theatre is funny cuz she laughs HYSTERICALLY! haha ok lar.. there's more but i'm tired.

i need to jog more. my tummy is BULDGING. i'm gaining weight. grrrrr.... exercise.

i need more grandmama speed. haha

its complicated.

many stuff is on my mind... i'm worried, i'm discovering more choices and there is a huge rise in decisions to make. some may know more than the others, but i only didnt want to worry. ok and its nothing about bgr.. thats 1 of the last thing i need to think abt. i have enough amt of problems in my hands.

the universities sent their letters out. joys and sorrows are both close, n i feel caught in the middle. we're all glad for those who felt joy. However, it aches me to find some disappointed. i want to help but am clueless. i want to comfort but i fair poorly at that.

i am thinking of changing my job. not that i dont like the job, but i feel its time i venture out and experience other line. plus the fact that levi's really dont pay well. i do like the flexibility in the timing though. i feel like getting the job at sentosa luge, i can relax and chill. i feel like getting a job in call centres for the high pay, but the stress.. is another matter.

ballet is 1 which i'm most worried abt. frankly, i feel like quitting. i know every1 reminds me its my interest and all. however, i can never see myself as a ballet teacher nor a professional ballet dancer. futhermore, my ankle is not strong. on top of all those, if i put ballet and university together - clementi and ecp, inflexible n tight schedules, that doesnt seem v encouraging. am i capable? shld i give it up? i'm confused.

I need to make choices which i know i will not regret. thats tough.

there is just too much decision making to do. yet only i can sort it all out. one shld live for themselves, but i cannot neglect another's feelings.

many times i questioned myself about equality in treatment. the attention i give to different individuals but sincere to the very last bit. sometimes i confess in showing more attention for one over the other, and other times i feel that i've neglected some. its so difficult to balance that sometimes i feel i'm suffocating. Most of the time it depends on repal between people. Repal is such an important thing which is almost natural....

Reactions are viewed differently by individuals. so what may seem like 1 to me, may seem like 2 to another and 3 by others. sometimes it feels difficult to gather what reactions means and most of the time we're clueless- we only can interpret from our point of view. Then again, how do u know ur opinion is accurate? no one knows i guess unless either 1 confess or discuss about it.

many questions with ambiguous answers. thats life i guess.

many more i want to blog about but little time i have. brain cells are diminishing, overworked.

i can feel it coming... the VIRUS. flu, sore throat n whatever shits. please take care every1. the weather is horrible. take vitamin c, make sure ur have warm blankets, eat healthy and drink loadsa water. take very good care of urself.

decisions that i have to make.

i'm burnt on my upper back!

stay away from it all of u. haha prickling sizzling pain. but i love getting dark n tanned better den my fair n pale me. haha n i love sentosa-ing. esp with the girls! though we pretty much just slacked around, walked around like couples n had our little talks etc etc. loadsa catching up.... on photos especially! haha i missed them a lot a lot. sad yt cldnt make it...

thanks every1! i'm glad i got in n for those who havent got in.. i hope all of u received ur letters soon! ooh n when i went to accept the nus application thingy, i realised i was accepted for ntu-sociology too! rofl.. i'm glad i got into nus... sociology... is not exactly my favourite. haha ok n what coincidence.. here i am talkin abt it n a sms came to invite me to some ntu tea session. i hope pple starts to decide on their choices for nus when they accept the letters immediately to open up more chances for the rest, waiting in pain and anticiaption.

ooh n i was just reading this other blog... bringing back memories, especially those i shared with twin. haha reflecting upon it and feeling oh my gosh.. haha u know what i mean twin. rofl.

just in case ur are all getting the wrong impression again, there are no guys in my life now unless ur are referring to my very very close guy frenz. and boy boy is a small pri 3 boy i teach for tuition! haha i know every1 is moving into relationship slowly, but not me lar. i'm too busy for guys. haha n i'm way too traditional to get into a fast slipshot relationship. plus all thats in my mind is nus nus and nus. heh heh. tell me i'm avoiding and escaping love or whatever shits but its just me lar.. not interested currently. haha

n i realise its damn interesting to hear from frenz abt their first kiss n first french kiss eperience! haha damn cute.. loadsa different kinda initiation and shy but really cute incidences. tell me tell me! i'm a big kpo. rofl. esp when u know some of them are quite shy. haha so cute! n i realise their not so shy anymore.. rofl.

back into working for the next 5 dayz!

my may schedule is up!